The Happy Project [Part 1]

For a while now I have suffered from a form of depression even I have trouble describing.
I have mood swings, I define my personality as "miserable", and I allowed myself to be convinced that that's who I am, and "I'll just have to live with it"... Little did I know, I've been so wrong.

If I'm going to be completely honest with you, I'm going to say I was in the shower this evening and had one of those typical "shower thoughts", only it was the Lord speaking to me; odd timing, I know.
I have convinced myself my disease or whatever you want to call it, was me. That this miserable, cursing, lonely, sad, mopey person was who I am.. But tonight the Lord informed me that this isn't who I am to be, and that it's only the person I allowed myself to be.
I remember the kindred spirit of a little girl I was, I was shy but inside I felt so much more than I said. I was quiet, and timid, and my heart was beating for God.
But when I was little and there would be special services for people who didn't know Jesus I would always accept the Lord as my Saviour, again and again because I thought it wasn't good enough that I did it once, and the teachers in Sunday School who knew me and knew my parents would always look at me funny because they knew I knew Jesus, and probably thought I was confused, or forgot. I never did forget, I just wanted to make sure God knew I loved Him, so I would prove it time and time again. Until one day I realized, it isn't the amount of times I re-accept Him into my heart, because He will always be there from day one until the end of time. He loves me so profusely, that He would send His son, to die for me. Me. Me?
Yeah, me.

It's insane sometimes that through depression we can be convinced we're who were supposed to be, that we're stuck this way; then we realize God has something so much bigger and better for us than this. than that. than her.
The Victoria I am, and the person you can be, is the little happy soul of a little girl or boy you were. The girl I want to be again and I aim to be everyday, is the little girl who realized that she didn't need to keep on asking for God to love her, and to accept Him into her heart, but the one who knew He would stay there forever. Forever.
Regardless of the circumstances we're under, no matter how far we've gone; it can be the 20 minutes you spend in the shower that can change the outlook you have on your life, God and how much He loves you. Profoundly, deeply. loves. YOU.